Vietnamese Tea Ceremony - Đám Hỏi
Step 1: Picking an Auspicious Date
While you certainly don’t have to pick an auspicious date, we used this one https://www.chinesecalendaronline.com. If your parents are very traditional, they might demand that you get a date from a Feng Shui master. Most modern couples are not superstitious and will just choose the date out of convenience, whether it’s the Friday preceding your wedding day or a random Saturday/Sunday that is convenient for everyone. If you decide to host a tea ceremony on a different date from your wedding day, most couples like to start at 10am or 11am and have the event run for 2-2.5 hours, starting with gift exchange outside, moving to a formal 30 minute ceremony and ending with lunch.
Alternatively, you can choose to host a shorter tea ceremony the same day as your western wedding, usually only taking 1-1.5 hours. A lot of couples will do this to save money (no need to hire hair+makeup+photographers twice) or to avoid hosting multiple events. There is not right or wrong way whether you choose to host the tea ceremony on the day or your wedding of before, but some factors to consider: 1) if you have a lot of bridesmaids/MIL/siblings who need to get h+makeup done they will need to be finished by 10am, so that is more than a 18+ hour day for them from 5am-11pm and 2) if you have a lot of aunts/uncles the tea ceremony will take a lot longer
Step 2 Choosing a venue
This one is quick and simple- if the bride’s house is spacious enough, that is the ideal venue. The groom picking up the bride from her house and asking her parents for permission is the most traditional way.
If there is simply not enough room at the bride’s house and you are hosting it the same day as your wedding day, some couples will ask for a small room at their wedding venue to do the tea ceremony before the ceremony and only serve tea for grandparents and parents (no aunts/uncles). (Other brides will book a venue on Peerspace or VBRO/airbnb to host the event, but know that Airbnb can cancel on you at any time without any repercussions so you do not want to have 50 people outside of an airbnb waiting to attend a tea ceremony that can’t get in because the host decided to cancel last minute.)
Step 3 Preparing the gifts
Traditionally, a roasted pig, betel and areca leaves, wine, tea, fruits, traditional cakes, tobacco, jewelry are brought from the Groom’s side to the Bride’s side. Modern couples may opt for a different set of gifts in the traditional “mâm quả” aka red circular boxes.
Step 4 Navigating the complicated questions of money and gifts
My opinion? If your parents care enough to bring it up, let them talk amongst themselves and keep yourself from the drama. If it is an unavoidable conversation, try to approach the issue with empathy and understand that not everyone agrees on how bride price/dowries work. You are building a life together and you should start it by learning to budget and have difficult conversations about finances. While it’s extremely kind of parents to want to help financially and to give large red envelopes, they are not always capable of doing it or they do not subscribe to that cultural aspect. In Vietnamese culture, there are expectations that the groom’s family will gift the bride with gold jewelry, diamond earrings and some cash. However, elements of western weddings also say that the bride’s family should pay for the wedding. So, each side has a point and sometimes it’s best if the couple decides to pay for the wedding themselves. If someone steps up to help? great! If they don’t, no sweat. Yall GOT this. Make a budget, stick to it, and don’t get into debt for a day.
Step 4 - Door GAMES
Think of some games where the bridesmaids/bride’s entourage can use to challenge the groom and his entourage. Groom? Be prepared to bring LOTS of red envelopes if your entourage do not pass the games with flying colors;
Step 5- Introductions/Greetings and Bride Entrance
Once the groom passes the door games, the bride accepts the gifts/ mam qua and the groom is invited inside to start the formal ceremony. An MC or a representative from the groom’s family will introduce the groom’s family and ask the bride’s family for permission for the two to get married. Once her family has given permission, the bride comes down from her room to join the event. The groom’s mom/sister/aunt can provide the bride with jewelry and help her put in on. Afterwards, they serve tea to the elders, starting with parents, then grandparents, then aunts and uncles.
Step 6- the most important- FOOD
If you have your ceremony after, quick bites like banh mi and spring rolls are the best. If your tea ceremony is held on a separate day, consider the following: trays of noodle, trays of fried rice, tray of pork belly, tray of banh hoi, chicken or pork bbq platter, fruit platters, goi/salad, appetizer like banh khot are always a hit, egg rolls.
FAQs
If I want to host a tea ceremony before my western ceremony on the same day, what does a typical timeline look like?
Depending on # of hair + makeup needed, you would ideally start hmua at 5am or 6am, with the bride going last
9-9:45am- photo/video arrives, getting ready shots of Bride
10am- Other side arrive outside and do exchange outside of house, play door games if desired
~10:15-10:20- Official ceremony inside house begins, half way through ceremony bride will come down to join event, exchange gifts, etc
11:00- ceremony concludes. take formal photos with guests/family. Family + guest enjoy quick bites (banh mi + egg rolls / or to go boxed lunches) while couple does photos with bridal party+ couple portraits.
11:50a Bride changes HMUA, does getting ready photos for western portion
1p- transition to venue for ceremony/church for ceremony around 2 or 4pm
…continue western wedding schedule as desired
If I want to host a traditional tea ceremony on a different date than my wedding date, what would that look like?
It can be very similar to the schedule above, with catered/sit down lunch from 12-1:30p. See above for menu item options.
Who pays for the tea ceremony?
Typically, the groom’s side will pay for the gifts, the jewelry the photographer/videographer. The bride is hosting it at her house so she covers the decor and catering bills. The couple can expect some red envelopes from family to help offset these costs.
Who pays for the bridesmaid’s hair and makeup and ao dai?
There is no right or wrong answer to this. Each person’s relationship with their friends is unique and it’s ultimately up to you as the couple to decide what works best for you. However, with that said, if you are making it mandatory for the bridesmaid to get hair and makeup rather than giving them a choice to get it professionally done or do it themselves, you should highly considering covering it because you are requesting for it. As for who covers the ao dai, typically brides will cover the ao dai cost and the bridesmaid can cover her western bridesmaid dress. If however, this arrangement does not work for you, you can ask your bridesmaid to cover both the ao dai and bridesmaid dresses. If you want to save money, you can ask your cousins to wear their regular ao dais rather than have matching ao dais.
Should I wear a red or white ao dai?
Up to you! Run it by both parents before you select a white ao dai, but I think most parents now have accepted that brides are blending western and eastern cultures and some brides prefer a white ao dai over the red ao dai.
How many envelopes should the groom’s entourage prepare for door games and how much should be inside each envelope?
Remember, the envelopes are more symbolic than anything. You are building a life together and in California, a common property law state, all your assets will be combined soon. So, anything like $10 or $20 bills is good, and prepare anywhere from 10-20 envelopes. It’s just symbolic the money belongs to both of you now.
Where can I get ao dais?
If you have the budget and do not want to stress about ordering online, check out Ao Dai Bao Han in SJ. If you want to save a few bucks, Etsy has a bunch of sellers but you will be responsible for measuring the ao dai correctly, which is difficult.https://www.etsy.com/shop/AoDaiThuyAnh?ref=shop_sugg_market is a popular one with our brides. It your budget is larger and you would like a couture gown, Thai Nguyen is the BEST in the business. https://thainguyenatelier.com/product-category/aodai/ > his designs has been seen on the red carpet, etc.
Ao Dai bao han has rentals, so does https://www.yelp.com/biz/ao-dai-anh-thu-san-jose
What’s the proper way to wear the headpiece (khan dong)?
https://xaydungso.vn/bai-viet-khac/nhung-kieu-toc-co-dau-mac-ao-dai-khan-dong-sang-trong-va-moi-la-vi-cb.html
Traditionally, your hair should be tied up in a bun to wear the khan dong, but we are in modern times and if it’s more flattering for you to have your hair down, do it! Our only advice is to not wear your khan dong so close to your forehead, which is what a lot of modern brides do incorrectly. Instead, it should sit comfortably half way on your head. It’s quite a large piece so a lot of modern brides in Viet Nam are now opting for a headband instead with a half up/half down do. Do what flatters you most!
Who can cater Viet food in the South Bay?
https://www.yelp.com/biz/d-d-catering-san-jose
How can the program flow smoother?
Consider hiring a bilingual MC who can help with the run of the show. Even if you are a very organized person, you will not be able to keep people on schedule because you have to hide until half way through the program. It’s best to get an MC who’s done many tea ceremonies to help run the show. We personally vouch for Khanh (https://www.instagram.com/khanhpduong/) who is professional, will take the stress load off you, and ensure you stick to a schedule. She is highly sought after so book her early as her calendar fills up quickly.
Where can you rent the mam qua in the South Bay?
Thu Thao Bridal https://www.instagram.com/khanhpduong/
Any Viet speaking HMUA you can recommend?
https://www.instagram.com/beautybychaunguyen is in Sunnyvale
https://www.instagram.com/beautybylela/ and https://www.shannonle.com are in SF